Relationship Basics

After being exposed to many ways of learning to do relationship at the Evolution of Psychotherapy Conference, I believe they all end up at the same place. How do I connect with, understand, and accept another person and still be who I am? It is the difficult dance between autonomy and connection.

I must learn to listen without defense, talk with honesty and clarity, be vulnerable when appropriate, minimize weaknesses (my own as well as others) and focus on strengths, and much more. No wonder relationship is difficult. It is a learning process well worth the effort. Life becomes much more enjoyable as we learn to relate well to others.

The Evolution of Psychotherapy Conference 2009

I have just returned from a week of intensive classes at the "Evolution of Psychotherapy" conference in Anaheim, California. The conference was created in 1985 as a celebration of the 100th birthday of psychotherapy. It brings together leading experts in the field of psychotherapy. The conference has been held every 5 years until this year. Seven thousand five hundred people from every state in the Union and 50 foreign countries attended, 400 from Canada, 200 from Australia, and 150 from China. There were 8 keynote speakers, 17 primary faculty, and 22 other faculty.

Classes were held in the Convention Center, and the Marriott and Hilton hotels. Disneyland is across the street, but we had no time to go there. I have lots of new relationship tips to share after listening to the top relationship gurus in the world.
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How About Sarah Todd Palin?

How do Todd and Sarah Palin make their relationship work? They have often had long absences from each other. Sarah told Oprah they made that work.

They have more time together since Todd quit his job on the North Slope in September. Sarah told "People Magazine", we are doing a lot of housework and yard work together. Those are our date nights. Just these frugal, practical things we've always done."

Do you think housework and yard work count as date nights?
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A Thanksgiving Get-Away to Sea Ranch

We love the California north coast, the most romantic place we have found. We have just returned from six glorious days of connection and renewal. Enroute to the coast we found a three year old gourmet French restaurant, called "French Garden", in the little town of Sebastopol. Eating outstanding food in warm sunshine became an unexpected senendipity experience. It set the tone for the joyous time we had during the next six days. How was your Thanksgiving?
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Can You Explain What Intimacy Is?

In Carolyn Hax's column in this morning's paper, a reader asks her to explain what intimacy is. The reader thought it is "part trust, part openness, part honesty, part acceptance and part other stuff".

Carolyn told her she had named the pieces, so put them together. Her definition: "Intimacy is when two people are open and honest with each other, even about their less-attractive sides, each loves and accepts the whole truth about the other, not just the highlights; and each trusts the other not to use this truth as a weapon."

Can you explain intimacy? Check out my book "Becoming Soul Mates" for more about intimacy.

20-20 Focus on Infidelity

Recently 20-20 attempted to answer the question, "Why do people cheat on each other?" They said 60% of cheaters are men, 40% are women. Whatever the percentage, cheating destroys trust and without trust people cannot become soul mates.

Some people simply do not know how to love or let go of defenses sufficiently to create intimacy. Some women believe that being "in love" means a continuation of the high energy excitement and passion experienced when a relationship is new. Some men never mature beyond their adolescent fantasies of unknown women as sexual objects. It takes maturity to move beyond the adolescent fantasy to know, understand, and love a real woman.

When two people commit to learning to understand, love, and accept each other, they will experience a growing intimacy. Fear will become less and less. Trust and safety will overshadow fear.
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Dr. Erich Fromm on Love

"Love," says Dr. Fromm, "is the only satisfactory answer to the problems of human existence." Yet many people do not learn to love with maturity , self-knowledge, and courage. Learning to love requires intentional openness, genuine insight and understanding. You must be willing to practice what you learn, to open yourself to another human being. That takes willingness to be vulnerable and tough.

For example, if your partner tries to tell you that your sarcasm is hurtful, you don't tell her she just isn't a good sport and that you were only joking. Instead, you thank her for telling you and you try to be direct instead of using sarcasm. Listen instead of always being right.